pencilcase | atlas stuff

atlas stuff

[Once everyone had been accounted for and safely strapped in, the actual take-off was easy. Between Anakin, Breq, Allura, half the crew of the SS Enterprise, and many others, there was no way they wouldn't be able to figure out how to fly this behemoth of a ship off of this dustball of a planet, even if it was alien tech and half-buried in sand. Finding the strange crystals underground that powered the ship had been the turning point to realising they really could escape.

But getting the ship flight ready? That had been an entirely different problem.

There was so much sand in the engines, so many parts to repair. And it wasn't like they could just drive down to the local store and pick up what they needed. Teams were formed to work on the ship. By consensus, some rooms and parts were cannibalized if they were deemed extraneous to survival, used instead to patch up the ship's more vital functions. But with how quickly the ship drained power from their suits, the work, it seemed, would have to be done in shifts. The pace of repairs went at a crawl.

As for Ahsoka-- the slow pace of their progress on the ship seemed to visibly chafe at her. Now that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, she wanted to get going. Her tension and impatience she channeled into organizing the camp with renewed vigor and bossiness. If there was anything that the Clone War had prepared her for, it was organising others with no prior military experience for maximum efficiency. She very suddenly had less and less time for personal one-on-one conversations, instead pouring all her energy into making sure everything ran smoothly.

When Ahsoka wasn't doing her shift working on the ship, she'd busy herself with something else. Usually hunting. (They weren't sure how long they'd be in space-- sure, they had some map data, but with no idea of how fast the ship moved, it didn't mean a great deal. The camp all comes to the consensus to start stockpiling food early on. Of course Ahsoka throws herself into that, as well.)

When she wasn't hunting or gathering, she'd be teaching someone else how. Or yelling instructions at someone else on their shift while she stands from a safe distance away from the ship, waiting for her suit to recharge. Or drawing diagrams in the sand with the other tech-heads and trying to figure out how exactly they're going to solve this or that new technical problem of the day.

As the weeks of prep wear on, Ahsoka only gets bossier and more intense, and her eyes seem to shine with a burning drive behind them-- a need to save everyone. She starts to seem permanently older than her seventeen years, and it's unclear whether she actually ever sleeps. (She can sleep when they're safe.) She and Anakin start fighting about stupid stuff every third day, like about what part to replace, or what food should be stored for the trip. It's their way of blowing off steam, but finding Ahsoka stewing and pacing around the campfire with an air of annoyance becomes increasingly commonplace.

It takes them a month, all up, to get everything ready. The actual flying is the easy part.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

... It can be. But I never thought of it as something to be "dealt" with. ... I like it. The ability to feel all living things, it helped me to feel ... connected. And the feeling is stronger even when you're close to someone, emotionally. Even when I was alone, even after I left the Order... I was never really alone. No matter where I went, I could always feel my family. Master Plo, Master Kenobi, Anakin... even half a galaxy away, I knew where they were.

It was comforting.

[ She makes it sound almost nice--and Lance guesses, from her description, that he might see it that way too, given how much the loneliness of space weighs him down. ]

You know that you're not--you're not alone now, either, right?

[ He knows she knows. But does she know? ]

[ Ahsoka gives him a small smile, grateful, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. ]

I know.

No, I mean--

[ So she doesn't know. He purses his lips, shifts his weight. The feeling is stronger even when you're close to someone, emotionally.

Two steps between them feels wider than it is, suddenly, so he crosses it to come stand beside her, his shoulder against hers, his body gently turned in towards her. ]

Can you feel me, right now?

Lance--?

[Ahsoka feels her heart skip a beat.]

I-- of course.

Ahsoka...

[ She looks up at him with those big eyes, and his heart starts hammering. He doesn't know why he's whispering, exactly, only that he doesn't want anyone but her to hear. They've known each other for--months, now, and he's been flirting with her since day one. But the longer they've known each other, the less obnoxious he became, because it felt--wrong. Too risky, and too raw. He's been half-hiding his truth from her for so many weeks now that the honesty makes him tremble.

He takes her hand, presses it to his chest, so she can feel the thrum of his heart. ]

I'm here for you, okay? If you...want that.

[ She's always been so hard for him to read. For all her explosive temper, Ahsoka isn't a demonstrative person, nor an affectionate one. What if she doesn't want that? ]

[Ahsoka's expression seems to crumble. Finally, she looks her age. Not a hyper-competent soldier older than her years, but a vulnerable seventeen year old who's been trying to hold it together for far too long.

See, physical affection isn't really something you learn growing up in the Jedi Temple. In truth, she'd always been the most affectionate and the most expressive of all her peers-- and even that much was often discouraged.

Clone Order 66 only increased that distance between herself and others. Where once she was permitted to have friendships and found-family, now she had none. Getting close to people was too dangerous. All it took was one person to alert the Empire to her presence, and then everyone in the vicinity she cared about would be in danger. Better to stay low and keep moving. Avoid attachments. In a cruel twist of irony, she's more Jedi-like these days than she ever was while she was in the Order.

It feels like so long since any person other than Anakin has professed that they were there for her. (And Anakin's future is questionable.) Or more accurately, since she would even allow herself to consider it. But Lance's offer is clearly genuine and heartfelt, and something sticks in her throat.

She can't quite seem to get any words out. So finally, she pulls Lance in towards her in a fierce hug. Eventually, she mumbles into his shoulder, soft enough to almost be missed--]

... Thank you.

[ She's so warm in his arms. He gives free rein to that impulse from earlier, wraps her right up. ]

...nothin' to thank me for. [ He smiles close to her temple, right at the base of one horn. He almost follows up with we're friends, right? but that also feels--wrong. ] You're stuck with me now.

[She chuckles, but there's also a wet-sounding sniffle in there. Eugh.]

... Don't make promises you can't keep.

[ His elation at finally getting to hold her droops at that; not enough to actually let her go, arms wrapped firmly around her waist. He's reminded of Shiro, right as they completed the massive teludov and readied to take the fight to Zarkon. No matter what happens, he'd started, and while Lance had fantasized of returning to his family, he'd known the implication: they faced their extinction every day out in space, no matter how protected they were by their Lions, by each other. ]

I'm not promising. I'm telling. I'll be here, as long as I can and as long as you'll put up with me. [ His nose skims her forehead, and he presses a soft kiss to the skin there. When he pulls away, he's smiling again. ] Try to contain your excitement, okay?

[ He doesn't mention the red puffiness at her eyes. ]

[Oh.

Ahsoka stills momentarily, for once unsure of herself. Unsure of what to do or say. It's a foreign feeling. But that felt... nice? What's the protocol here? Jedi training doesn't prepare you for this.

Oh right. Lance said something. She should probably respond to it?]

... Can you-- can you do that again?

I said--

[ A blink. She didn't ask him to say it again, she asked him to do it again, meaning...

Almost meekly, he bows his head, kissing the spot between her eyes. His voice is low and soft. ]

Like that?

[Ahsoka swallows.]

... Yeah. Like that.

[Finally she takes a tentative step back, rubbing the back of her neck.]

I'm-- I'm sorry. I'm not exactly... good at this? Talking about feelings. And uh. The-- other stuff. [She makes a vague hand gesture that could mean anything, really, but she hopes the gist of her meaning is conveyed.]

[ She pulls away, all the way to the very end of his arms. Eventually his fingers fall from her ribs, leaving him bereft. Pain blooms in his chest, certain he messed up, that she's through with him; but then she's apologizing, head tilted down and away.

He almost wants to laugh. ]

Yeah, I noticed. [ He huffs out an affectionate sigh. ] Are you--not okay? Right now? With this...?

[ He motions between them emphatically. ]

If I wasn't okay with something, don't you think you'd probably be doubled over in pain on the floor right now? You know, just putting it out there.

[Whup, and up go the shields again.

Being a smart-aleck is easier than any of the other options.]

[ He rolls his eyes. ]

Then why are you all the way over there--[ motioning towards her ] and not over here?

[ He spreads his arms wide, making a show of how empty and Ahsoka-less they are. ]

I-- [she cuts herself off, stops, purses her lips for a second. She doesn't really have a good answer for that.]

Because-- Because I have no idea what I'm doing! Okay?! [Oh no. Now it's out there, she can feel the rest of it threatening to boil over and pour out too.]

Maybe I really like you, but I have no idea what to do with it!

Relationships, attachments-- it's all forbidden when you're a Jedi! And I know I'm not a Jedi anymore, but all that stuff I grew up with, it's still there! You know? What if Anakin is right? What if this is a big mistake? Those rules were in place for a reason. And-- and I don't exactly have the best track record when it comes to crushes! Or-- what happens when we inevitably have to go home to our separate galaxies? [AHSOKA ISN'T THAT THINKING A BIT FAR AHEAD.] Or-- what happens when I can't protect you, or someone that's important to you?

[ He watches her wind up, tension rising up through her body the longer she speaks. He wants to cut her off, make a joke, break through somehow, and maybe a less-experienced Lance would have. ]

Remember when I said you aren't alone? That's the thing with having people: I'm not alone, either. And if you can't trust me to take care of myself--which I totally can, okay, thanks for the vote of confidence--you can trust Hunk, or Pidge, or Clark or anybody! We're all in this together. [ His arms fall to his sides. ]

But you have to take a risk, Ahsoka! You can't just push away happiness on the off chance something goes wrong, or you'd never be happy at all!

[Ahsoka looks at him for a moment, quiet. Considering.]

... I know how to assess risk, Lance. I understand what you're saying, and... I appreciate it. I just-- it's more complicated than that.

[She sighs. How can she make him understand? There's just no way she can put this into words easily. Finally, she sits down on the floor, cross-legged.]

Sit. [She pats the space beside her, looking up at him.]

I know we've talked before about how attachment isn't the Jedi way. But I don't think I ever explained why. I think it's important for you to know, so you understand where I'm coming from.

[ Obediently, he goes down, wondering what she's about to show him--he thinks he gets it, at least on an intellectual level, but apparently not. ]

[Ahsoka swivels so she's facing him front-on this time, rather than sitting shoulder to shoulder. Gently, she takes his hands in hers.]

It's... easier for me to show you, rather than explain it in words. But some of it might be... unpleasant.

... Do you trust me?

[ It's his turn to frown. ]

I don't make it a habit of hanging around, holding hands with people I don't trust. [ He squeezes her fingers. ] Show me.

[Ahsoka closes her eyes, then, and extends her consciousness along the tentative bond that's grown between them over the last few weeks.

Suddenly, Lance should be able to feel it too-- that invisible line that connects them. Because Lance should now be able to feel everything Ahsoka senses. All the universe around them, clamoring and singing together in life and harmony. But that doesn't last long at all, before Ahsoka plunges them both into a memory.

Tell me to stop if you get uncomfortable, Ahsoka's voice speaks inside his head, and an image starts to form in the mind's eye.

It starts out fuzzy at first, but when it clears it looks like some kind of meditation room. Ahsoka is alone in there with Master Yoda as they discuss dreams, but she can't be more than eleven or twelve.

"Master Yoda, I just don't understand why attachment is such a bad thing. As Jedi, aren't we supposed to care for others?"

"Hm. Difference, there is, between caring and attachment."

"I know, I know!" she cuts him off impatiently, and it's more than a little rude to address the Grandmaster so, but now she's done it, she might as well hurry on. "Attachment leads to fear of loss. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering," she recites with a touch of annoyance, like she's heard it ten thousand times. "You've told me before. But that doesn't make any sense."

"Understand when you are older, young one, you will. Never met a pawn of the Dark Side have you, hm? Once you start down the path to the Dark Side, forever dominate your destiny, it will."

That doesn't make any sense to her either, but she doesn't know enough to argue against it. So instead she just pouts. The memory dissolves. Another one follows on it's heels...

She's fourteen when she first meets Asajj Ventress. They clash blades in the engine room, green against red, and though Ahsoka talks a good game, she's honestly never been more terrified in her entire life. She's certain Ventress can smell her fear through her smack-talking bravado.

So this is what a Sith feels like. When she looks into Ventress's eyes, when she tries to feel her life force, she doesn't feel anything normal. Only an unfathomable depth of coldness, rage, hatred, pain. And Asajj is strong-- her pain fuels her, makes her stronger. She might have made a great Jedi once, but now all that's left is a shallow husk who feeds on suffering. It hurts to look at. How does someone become this way? She doesn't-- she doesn't understand.]

[ It's not unlike wearing the mind-connecting headsets, only one-way, as though his mind is being tugged out of his head and into hers. For a brief stuttering moment he's coccooned by the warmth of the universe, vast and unknowable, and yearning peaks in him, seeking Blue in that cacophony of voices but not finding her.

And then he's somewhere else entirely.

The child Ahsoka is impossibly cute, even frowning at her wizened green teacher. The words cut, though: attachment leads to fear of loss. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate...

Seeing those words, spoken like rote, out of such a small mouth makes him frown. Easy for them to preach a doctrine of detachment, he thinks angrily, when they're taking children from their families young enough not to remember. It feels cult-like, and Lance is only half-aware that his disdain must translate very clearly to Ahsoka. He doesn't particularly care.

Then the temple fades like ripples in a pond, and they're tilting into another memory, this one closer. He can feel the cloying oil-slick of hatred emanating from Asajj as well as Ahsoka herself feels it, and it makes his gut twist. Gooseflesh prickles his neck despite that none of this is real, there's no actual danger; just that impossible yawning void, like the drag from a black hole.

It boggles him that this is Ahsoka's fear, that she's never known a middle path, torn between self-refusal and self-annihilation. Can't there be a better way? Love is family, connection, stability; love pushes him and grounds him, makes him greater than he is. Attachment can't do this. Love can't do this.

How does someone become this way? ]

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